Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Why are you even in the (insert expletive here) hand?

Do these nutters follow me around as I’m sure I seem to run into far more than my fair share of them? I really would not be surprised if the entire world was just a massive conspiracy with literally everyone on the entire planet working to get in my way or say something so fucking retarded that I want to scream. If it’s a conspiracy I’m onto you – there’s obviously a 7am conference call every morning where everyone on the planet, except me, is briefed on where I am and how to annoy me that particular day. Or if it’s not then the planet is actually populated by complete fuckwits who really shouldn’t be allowed out on their own.

I’m sat at a fairly unremarkable game, enjoying a few beers and winning a few chips – I’m probably at about $400 from a $300 buy in but there’s been nothing overly interesting to report over the space of a couple of hours or so. There are only 2 mentionable players: 1 is sat 3 seats to my left in the 8 seat. I’m going to refer to him as aggro but he wasn’t your standard aggro player – he’d not play a hand for a round or 2 then he’d go mad. He’d often bluff out of position and would frequently massively overbet pots. One particularly weird hand was when he 3 or 4 bet shoved with a massive over bet (presumably to steal but I have no idea what goes on in the heads of these loons) from the blinds holding 8-9 suited and spiked trip 9s to bust out players holding AA and QQ. The player, in seat 1, holding AA had left and was replaced by a “lady”, maybe mid to late 40s but her behaviour was anything but lady like, as I found out a few hands later (I’ll call her AL for angry lady for short)

I’m in the BB and it’s limped 4 or 5 ways when I look down at Q-2 off and I check. Flop comes Q-9-2 rainbow. I don’t want to bet here just to win $12 so I check, aggro bets $35!!! AL calls and it’s folded round to me. Aggro’s bet suggests he has nothing but what has the AL got? She’s only been sat down 15 minutes and barely played a hand so I’ve not seen her range. I’m only really behind Q-9 or a set of 9s (sets of queens or 2s are unlikely given what I hold) but given she only bought in for $100 if she had either of these hands she should have raised so I figure I’m ahead. I raise to $100, aggro folds and the AL calls. Turn is an Ace and the river is a blank. Without waiting for me to show the AL turns over A-10 off – err ok, so you called $100 with Ace high, wtf!! I turn over my cards and scoop the pot. The guy to my left, who I’d been chatting to for an hour or so, says “that was weird” to me. I say “Yes – not even a straight draw on the flop”. Neither of our comments are overly loud and I don’t think anyone other than those directly next to us has heard us.

The AL rebuys and we’re half way through the next hand when she starts piping up. “Unbelievable” she mutters to no one in particular, “lost a fucking buy in to those fucking rags”. Now she gets a bit louder and looks over towards me and sarcastically says “Nice hand”. I look at her and say “yeah – big blind special” back. She continues muttering loudly to herself for a couple of minutes and it’s 2 or 3 hands later when she screams “Why are you even in the fucking hand?” quickly followed up with “I suppose you’ve got fucking money to fucking burn have you?”. I might have left out a few swear words there – anyone that regularly reads my witterings will know that I’m rather partial to fruity language but I’m usually careful not to swear if I’m angry or berating someone. An argument quickly loses credibility if either side can only reel off a list of expletives and the loser of an argument is usually the one who resorts to bad language. It’s also good for winding people up – if you can remain calm, good natured and rational whilst they are foul mouthed and seething it can push someone further over the edge.

So I didn’t reply to her comments. I continued chatting to the guy on my left and we were both quietly chuckling about how wound up this lady was. “Don’t tap the glass because it scares the fish off” was one of his comments as we continued to listen to her seething. Now it’s about 20 minutes since that particular hand and neither I nor the AL have played another hand but now I get involved in one.

I win the hand on the turn or river and scoop without showing and now the AL says to her neighbour “He’ll have fucking gotten fucking lucky cos I’ve seen him (referring to me) do it before”. Again I’ve probably missed out a few of the expletives but you get the drift. Then she turns towards me and says “You’ve been getting fucking lucky all fucking night haven’t you?” to which I don’t reply, which is then followed up by “You still didn’t tell me why you were in the fucking hand did you?”. Now this is getting ridiculous – we’re probably close to half an hour away from this hand and if she hadn’t been seething about it I would have filed this hand under “unremarkable things that are instantly forgettable”. But then I wouldn’t have a story to write about. So I turn to her and say in my politest voice “The one where you limped with Ace 10 then called a bet then a raise on the flop with Ace high and lost all your chips to my flopped two pair from the big blind. I don’t really recall the details”. Cue the guy to my left pissing himself laughing. Strangely she doesn’t respond and I continue “So I’m in the hand because no one raised my big blind – please tell me how you would have played it”. This actually shuts her up and I didn’t hear a peep out of her for the next hour whilst she was sat down. 

I get back to chatting with the guy on my left and am actually left in peace to enjoy the rest of the session and some more beers.

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