You might have come across her on the internet

I’m normally pretty useless at identifying celebrities or anyone remotely famous. I was once behind a short, skinny, old guy in the queue for security at Heathrow airport. He was dressed a bit too young for his age, had a much younger lady with him and was wearing sunglasses indoors – the only thing that I was thinking was “this guy thinks he’s Rod Stewart – what a clown”. It actually was Rod Stewart. The only other famous person I can confirm seeing was Harry Styles (One Direction) which made a female friend of my oldest cost centre very jealous and she was very disappointed that I hadn’t asked for his autograph. Yeah – cos a middle aged man asking a boy band member for his autograph wouldn’t have looked slightly creepy.

But some people seem to know or be obsessed by literally everyone who has ever been remotely famous, presented Fox news or even had their 15 minutes of fame on the 3rd series of some reality rubbish TV show 8 years ago. I’m completely the opposite in that I would actively go out of my way to avoid anyone who even wanted to be remotely famous. If someone ever told me that they watched keeping up with the karwotsians I would want to jab them in the eyes over and over again. And then taser them. But I digress.

I’m sat in a hotel bar and a very attractive young lady walks in. She’s very slim and has a very good figure. She’s got fairly tight jeans and a low cut t-shirt on which shows off her (I assume surgically enhanced) assets. I watch as she walks up to the bar and the waitress tells me to put my tongue away (I’m a regular here and am on first name terms with all the staff). I’m trying to work out if she’s a hooker or not – she’s not dressed like one and it’s not really the sort of place to pick up business and in all my time coming here I’ve never seen a hooker. She sits next to me and says hi. OK – she’s a hooker. Women of this calibre do not regularly approach me in bars and say anything other than “stop looking down my top you pervert” to me unless they are hookers. 

Before I’ve had the chance to say anything more than hi back to her the waitress comes back over and they chat. Not as if they are close friends but they definitely know each other. She orders a couple of drinks in plastic cups to go, pays and leaves within 5 minutes of walking into the bar. I watch her walk out (merely to see if the rear view was as good as front on) and the waitress tells me that she already told me to put my tongue away. She then asks me if I liked what I saw. I ask if they are friends – primarily as I don’t want to accuse one of her friends of looking like a hooker before replying. She says no but that she’s a regular in the hotel the same as I am. 

I then proceed to tell her that I thought the girl might have been a hooker – she wasn’t dressed like one but she was very pleasurable on the eye and it was a shame she hadn’t stayed for her drink. The waitress laughs a bit and tells me that my radar is not 100% wrong. Eh?? She’s either a hooker or not – you can’t be 50% hooker. It’s all or nothing I tell her. 

“She’s not a hooker” the waitress responds “You might have come across her on the internet”. Again I’m confused – subtlety doesn’t usually work for me and I’ve got a blank expression on my face. “She does porn”. 

“Not anyone I recognise” I reply. “I mean obviously I don’t watch it myself but I’ve heard that there might be some on the internet if you know where to look” I blatantly lie! I’ve been coming here for so long that it’s obvious I’m joking on the last point.  

She then tells me her name which is googled later on – to be honest she looks a lot better in real life than in her movies. But she had more clothes on and a lot less make up on in real life than when I found her on the internet. I still see this lady every now and again around the hotel when I’m there but I have no idea if she knows that I know that she’s famous.