Saturday, May 25, 2019

A buy in for a few hours of peace?

It was was whilst reading this story that I had a flashback to a poker session from maybe autumn last year. The story entails a very sweary woman detailing a very special 10th anniversary activity that she and her husband were going to partake in. In a normal society she probably shouldn't have discussed this with complete strangers at a poker table. I joked with Rob that I might have had a poker session with the lady in question's sister (Rob has now had a hand in the last 2 posts so again thanks, if you make it 3 in a row there's a set of steak knives on the way!). 

So to the poker table we go. I'm sat enjoying a beer or two when a very attractive lady sits next to me. She says hello to the table and laps up the stares she gets as she makes herself comfortable. This takes at least 5 minutes and she's up and down, readjusting the seat then standing up, adjusting herself and the seat and repeating. 

"For fuck's sake woman sit the fuck down before I go demented" I think this in my head by the way (us Brits are far too polite in real life to actually say anything). But I'm sure it's just an act to ensure every eye is on her if it wasn't already. But she knows they already were as she's the only female at a table of mostly 30-50 something men. She orders a drink when the waitress comes round (do I even need to say that I order one too?) and she begins to chat. 

When I say chat I mean more she starts to talk, barely pausing for breath to actually let anyone else get a word in edgeways. I call this turbo-wittering, somehow some people have the ability to talk for what seems like the known age of the universe without actually managing to say anything meaningful or exchange anything other than completely banal details. She also like to swear whilst she's turbo-wittering. Not in a bad way though - I like to swear like my arms are on fire so someone randomly swearing doesn't offend me at all. She's also pounding a few drinks back so I'm starting to think maybe this is some sort of twilight zone where a mirror me is sat next to me. But then I realise that I've already described her as very attractive so she's definitely not a mirror image. 

I don't think that she's noticed that no one has replied in anything other than monosyllabic grunts to her over the last hour or so and but then she suddenly pauses for breath and says (only half joking) "well isn't one of you guys going to tell me my hair looks nice?"

Now I'm working on the assumption that everyone at the table are complete strangers so asking randoms to tell you your hair looks nice is a bit weird so I reply to her "Surely that's your husband's job - no one has told me that my hair looks nice" (I have a buzz cut and this is most definitely only the second time I've ever discussed hair cuts at a poker table 

She continues by telling us that her husband is forever paying her compliments but only when he's had some encouragement. Ok - she's what I like to call a compliment junkie. (An ex Mrs AC suffers from it, she was once in the bathroom complaining that her hair was greying, she was getting fat and her skin was a mess and demanded a compliment. Apparently me replying "Your eyesight is spot on" wasn't what she was looking for). 

Then she tells us the best compliment she's had recently was when one of her son's friends called her a MILF. I've now laughed beer out of my nose at this. 

So now back to our lady's appearance. It's fairly obvious that she's had quite a lot of "work" done and she's quite a bit older than you'd think she was. She's probably early 50s although from a distance you'd probably say she was 15-20 years younger. I'm assuming her son is maybe late teens or early 20s as getting that sort of comment from anyone under 16 would be a bit weird. 

She then continues to ask the table whether they thought she was a MILF. Cue some very uncomfortable glances and a couple of quizzical faces as she proceeds to explain what a MILF is for those who don't know. 

I ask her what her husband thought of this comment to which she says she didn't tell him - my guess is even if she did then he probably won't be listening. I ask if she's in Vegas alone and she says her husband is getting some rest whilst she plays poker - in my head it's the best $300 he'll ever spend as he's getting some peace and quiet whilst we have to listen to her drone on. 

It's quite a relief on my ears when she loses her buy in after about 2 hours and after she's gone a couple of the table comment that her husband must be grateful of a few hours off. I comment "It doesn't really matter how attractive she is but at some stage you can guess he's had enough of listening to her wittering at him that he's going to be pissed that he hadn't given her 2 buy ins to buy himself another couple of hours' peace" which elicits a chuckle from a couple of guys. 

Another guy pipes up with "I've learnt something today - but I'm not sure I'm going to be bragging that I now know what a MILF is though". 

1 comment:

  1. I dunno. It's good to have these people at your game every so often to keep things interesting.