Monday, April 22, 2019

That’s a violation of my 1st Amendment rights

Why is it that when people proclaim to “know their rights” they are generally wrong? And fuckwits. They’re generally fuckwits in the wrong. 

I was sat in an airport lounge waiting for a flight and there’s this utter fuckwit sat about 2 metres behind me having a video call on his mobile – without headphones on and the volume is turned up so the entire room can hear both sides of the conversation. Now these situations are fairly common and it’s normally some jumped up business boy talking about a deal that’s going to see him promoted or get a mega millions bonus and he’s trying to show off to the lounge how important he is because he’s jetting off to sign a deal and he’s definitely really important because he’s flying business class. I’ve overheard quite a few of these and they are usually stupid enough to drop company names into the conversation so given a little google searching I can work out who he works for, what the deal is and whether he should be having this conversation in a public arena (he shouldn’t). I’ve heard of people getting fired when private deal details have been leaked on internet chatrooms due to someone gassing off in public.

But this conversation isn’t about a deal – it’s with his wife, then kids and even time to say hello to the fucking dog. Really – what sort of fuckwit wants the world to know that he video calls his dog? No one in their right mind who has an inkling of common sense that’s who. Which brings us back to the aforementioned fuckwit. Once he’s done with the call he puts some music on, again on speaker without headphones. Or he could be watching cat videos on the internet for all I care. It’s annoying to anyone within a 10 metre radius and he doesn’t seem to understand that for most British people staring and tutting is literally the worst insult we’ve got. Eventually someone asks him to turn it down and he replies that he’s not going to. One of the lounge managers is called over and says that if he doesn’t turn the music down he’s going to ask him to leave – that’s when our fuckwit replies “that’s a violation of my 1st Amendment rights”. WHAT. THE. FUCK?? So Madison et al drafted an Amendment over your right to be a fuckwit in public did they? 

Presumably this fuckwit is insisting on carrying parts of a stuffed bear under his 2nd Amendment rights is he?

Dear god I hope I’m not sat near this tool on the plane – hopefully I’m not even on the same flight otherwise there’s going to be some serious air rage going once I get started on the G&Ts.

I’d had enough at this point as I’d really only popped into the lounge to sort out a ticketing problem and grab a pocketful of candy before my flight (they have some sweets that I used to get in my childhood in this lounge and they provide takeout bags so they are expecting people to take some away). I headed to the British Airways lounge – because this was Heathrow airport. In London. That’s in England. Not America.

So this fuckwit was quoting freedom of speech rights (albeit incorrectly) that apply to Americans. In America. Whilst he’s in a lounge in the UK. That’s after having video called his dog. I half wished he’d continued his rant and that the police were called – they could have given him his Miranda rights about his right to remain silent. And then tasered him. That would have been funny! Certainly funnier than most of the cat videos on You tube anyway!

Dear god when I come to power people like that should be tasered. A lot. Or would fuckwit complain that it was cruel and unusual? I hate it when they hide behind the bill of rights 

Friday, April 12, 2019

Everyone wants to brag about their first time

It was dark, you could feel the excitement in the air. I'd had a lot to drink and I'd been waiting for this moment for my whole life. It's a rite of passage that sometimes happens early but there must be some people who go through life just waiting for it to happen. And it was my time. Unfortunately it was all over in a couple of minutes but they were some of the best minutes of my life and I'll never forget them. I'd popped my cherry.

But get your minds out of the gutter as this has nothing to do with what you're thinking about - It's actually about poker.

I'm quite a few beers deep and am at a very decent game where the chips are flying around the table so fast my head is spinning. Luckily the beer is making my head spin the other way so I'm perfectly compus mentis.

I raise from late position with Q-10 of clubs and get 4 callers - both blinds and the original MP limper. Flop comes Ac-Kd-Jc. Oh my god as I flop the nuts with a redraw and the BB leads out for $35 which is called before getting to me. But what to do now? A call will probably entice the SB to call but if I raise I'm effectively playing my hand face up. So I elect to call. Unfortunately the SB folds but the turn is utterly perfect - King of clubs. Some wee has definitely come out now I'm that excited and I try my best to look impassively at the table.

BB now leads for $75, it folds to me and I min raise to $150. The reasons I do this are another club potentially kills any action, we're both pretty deepstacked at $700 or so apiece and this guy is never folding a min raise unless he's got complete air - in which case he won't put another penny in on the river. He thinks about it for a minute or so before shoving. More wee has come out and I snap call faster than the speed of light. He asks if his King is any good. As if it is when I've effectively broken the laws of physics with the speed of my call. I tell him he's drawing dead as I flip over my cards. The meaningless river is dealt (from what I could tell this guy didn't have a full house) and the dealer pushes me the pot.

I'm stunned.

I've been playing poker over 10 years and I've never had a Royal Flush before - I throw the dealer $10 (far more than I'd usually tip at a $1/$3 game and just sit there for a couple of minutes, happy with myself for finally getting it done. I almost wish I smoked so I could sit back and savour the moment.

How long had you been playing before you hit your first Royal Flush?

Monday, April 1, 2019

What sort of lunatic says pockets twos?

Where do these people come from and why do I always seem to run into them? I swear some people can start an argument in an empty room and still be in the wrong.

We're a couple of levels into a small buy in tournament - around the $100 level where I use these as an excuse to spend a couple of hours selflessly improving Mexico's balance of payments account with the US by drinking my entry fee in Corona. But given we're in the first few levels it's probably only 90 minutes since my first beer so I'm nowhere near drunk.

I call a raise from late position holding 2-2 and we're 4 way to a 7 high flop but no 2 to improve my hand. Action checks through, as does the turn and river, again with no 2. No one wants to show their cards and I can't be arsed waiting around so I declare "pocket deuces". To my surprise everyone else mucks and I turn my cards over as the dealer pushes me the pot.

It's at this point our argumentative guy (AG) pipes up "you mis-declared your hand, you said you had aces and that's why I folded" as he does this he tries to retrieve his hand from the muck but there's no way of telling which ones are his and the dealer tells him they can't be retrieved. He then continues moaning that I've mis-declared my hand. I reply that I didn't and the guy next to me corroborates that he heard me say pocket deuces and not aces. This doesn't placate our angry guy who now wants the floor called. 

The floor person listens to what the dealer says and confirms that I should take the pot given that I was the only player to reveal my hand at showdown. 

But AG isn't going to let this go without a fight (for added context the pot was about 2,500 with blinds at 100/200 and a starting stack of 15,000 so it's not a game changing situation to have won or lost this hand), he now starts directing some wrath at me "I think you lied - I definitely heard you say you had pocket aces". Now at this point I've had 3 or 4 beers so I could quite easily just tell him to shut his pie hole but I go into my "super polite" mode as I usually do when I can sense someone is going to start steaming (another story on that here So I just shake my head and take a swig of my beer whilst hoping that's the last of the matter. 

It isn't. AG keeps steaming "That's ridiculous - he can say what he wants and I've been cheated out of the pot". He didn't actually aim this comment at anyone in particular but it's loud enough for the whole table to hear and he continues this for about 5 minutes and it's starting to wind me up. So I ask him "At what stage of that hand did you think I had aces? Was it when I flatted behind 1 caller then checked every street? I know I'm not the greatest player but even I can see that it's not the ideal way to play them". I add in the last remark to try to appease him - we English do self deprecation very well and I'm hoping this shuts him up. It doesn't. 

"Well how am I meant to know how you play? All I know is I heard you say pocket aces" is his gruff reply. 

"That's the issue then isn't it. What you heard and what was actually said are 2 different things. But I do know that your hearing issue is not my problem" I reply. I'm now done with the conversation. I've dealt with enough fuckmuppets that like the sound of their own voice too much during my life and I know that rationality and reason won't ever win. The only possible way this ends is by this twit whining to himself without anyone pouring fuel on his fire by replying. So whatever he says next I'm not going to respond and I'm hoping that eventually he'll blow himself out. 

He continues for a couple of minutes without anyone responding until he ends a sentence with "If you'd just said pocket twos we wouldn't be in this issue and that's what I would have said". 

Now a guy 2 away from me pipes up "What sort of lunatic says pocket twos? Any poker player will always call them deuces. The only person who'd say twos is probably the sort to fold without seeing their opponent's cards then spend half an hour whining about their own mistake. That's who". 

Cue howls of laughter from the rest of the table as the AG has now been truly put back in his box and we didn't hear a peep out of him for the rest of the afternoon.