Sunday, March 28, 2021

Delusions of grandeur

Some people wish they had aristocrats, royalty or long lost rich relations in their family. Not me though. I just wish I had a normal family instead of the dysfunctional lunatics that I'm forced to share a few days a year with. When Mrs AC first met my family a year or so ago she asked "Are you sure you're not adopted? You're so unlike anyone in your family that I can't believe that you share the same genes!".

She's right. I am so unlike my family but I'm pretty sure I'm not adopted as I'm the spitting image of my father and seem to have inherited his predilection for more beer than is healthy. Although I'm secretly hoping there was a mix up in the baby unit and my real family have been looking for me for all this time. I don't care if they're rich or famous. My only hope is that they are normal. Or just not lunatics with delusions of grandeur. Like my mother for instance. Why is it that whenever I use the word lunatic I generally talk about my mother?

For years (since I was a child anyway), my mother has told me that we're related to someone famous - Lord Horatio Nelson,_1st_Viscount_Nelson. You've probably never heard of him but he was a celebrity in his day of the late 1700s and early 1800s. He was a very famous naval commander who defeated the French and Spanish navies before he was killed in battle at Trafalgar in 1805 and is commemorated with a statue atop a column in Trafalgar Square in London. 

It's a family story passed down the generations as her mother's maiden name was Nelson and they all originate from the approximately the same location - North Norfolk, hence my allegiance with Norwich City. Dear lord could we not have had Robin Hood in our lineage then I could support Nottingham Forest who at least have won the European Cup a couple of times?  

But anyway - I'm rambling. During the lockdown my mother has been researching our family tree. Oh fucking joy when she calls me up to ask "Do you remember my uncle Eddie?"

"Who? No". Only to be told that he did something utterly unremarkable and over the course of an hour's one sided conversation I learn he was the first person in our family to walk from his village to another village and he died 10 years before I was born. So how the fuck would I remember him then? "Well I thought you would" was her reply. I told you my family were lunatics!

So back to the family tree. We have literally nobody of historic interest within our tree. For as long back as it went all my relations have been landless peasants. There's no connection with anyone of any interest and if there's an unclaimed crock of gold waiting for a rightful heir it won't be coming my way.

At least I won't subject future generations with this ignominy. Not that I've done much better than my predecessors but it's that I'll be able to tell them in person as I'm pretty sure that I'm immortal - I've got a 100% success rate of not dying so far so it must be true. It's either I'm immortal or a lunatic. It's not like certain traits are passed from generation to generation is it?

Oh........wait.......hang on.


  1. My long ago departed grandmother used to talk about how her deceased brother, John, died with a "secret on his lips." Damned if we ever found out what it was. Aliens from outer space? Secret family recipe for potato pancakes? Secret connection to the Royal Family?

    1. His secret message was “if you ever meet an Englishman that goes by the pseudonym AyeCaramba you should buy him copious beer and a steak dinner”

  2. Few years ago, I ran into Kellyanne Conway at a golf pro shop and spoke to her for 2 or 3 minutes. Just another Sunday

    1. That loon from Trump’s campaign? I think it’s funny how even the most junior staffer in the US is instantaneously recognisable whereas in the U.K. hardly anyone would recognise anyone but the most senior of politicians.

      It’s the same with the occupants of limousines - every time you see one in NY it’s always a major business leader so when Mrs AC first saw them over here she expected to see the same but they are usually full of drunk girls on a bachelorette party

      Good few results in qualifying - even if you did need a linesman whose glasses need replacing!!

      Did you see that girl on the women’s tour got fined $10k for slow play? A bit harsh I think considering her prize money was only $5k

    2. That's her! Hard to not recognize her when she was wearing her "famous" red coat. I've seen so many memes about that ball/line call and I have to say, thank you Mr. Linesman! I will look up the golfer fine now, haven't seen it!